Dear Parents of Teens,

I can’t pretend to speak for all Youth Leaders, but having been involved with Student Ministries for nearly two complete decades (16 years of which I was a Youth Pastor),  I think I speak for most when I say our friendship, and our partnership (between parents and youth leaders) ought to be stronger.  After all, we have something in common, we both love your kid!

My hope in writing this “open letter” is that I can lend my voice to what I hope can become a vibrant relationship in your local student ministry setting(s).  I am of the firm belief that the student ministry landscape could change dramatically if parents and leaders prioritized relationship and partnership with one another.  I’m not suggesting you become best friends with your son’s small group leader or that you look to take the Youth Pastor on your family vacation, but I will give you (the parent) some practical suggestions as to how to be proactive in this needed relationship.

Unfortunately many Youth Leaders (paid or volunteer) are intimidated by parents; it may be because so many youth leaders are young and figure they are perceived (deserved or undeserved) as being unwise, full of energy, flakey, exuberant and sometimes a threat to the parent/child relationship.  The reality is, many young youth leaders are unwise, exuberant and the like, and just like your child needs a mentor, so do many most, of us. Even older youth leaders are often intimidated by parents, they don’t want to step on toes, get in the way or be perceived as trying to do something that is intended for the parent/child relationship.  But, that’s our problem (as youth leaders), we need to get over these perceptions and do the work of relating to parents for the sake of the kids!

But, this letter is written to you, parent.  So, if I may, I’d love to give you a few suggestions as to how this relationship may improve or get even stronger (because I do want to recognize, there are MANY great relationships out there too).

1. Pray for them (and let them know you’re praying for them).  In Matthew 9, Jesus tells His disciples to ask the Lord of the harvest for harvest workers.  Well, these youth leaders are an answer to prayer!  Though they aren’t perfect, they are striving for Godliness and are seeking to influence your child for Christ.  Praise God for them and constantly lift them up in your prayers.  What would it look like for YOU to gather other parents once or twice a year just for the purpose of praying for the Youth Staff (paid and volunteer)?  How encouraging would it be to the youth leader or team to know that they were being covered corporately and as individuals?
2. Give to them.  A note of encouragement in the mail, on a facebook wall or strategically placed on a youth leaders front door will often propel that leader in ways unimaginable.  Giving may even mean something physical.  Dinner.  A coffee card.  A paid-for date-night (even with babysitting!!!!).  Your small gift may be the exact encouragement he or she needed to get over the hump after a season of discouragement in the ministry. Side Note: Don’t ever underestimate the power of two words “thank” and “you.”  These words are often forgotten and these youth leaders who labored all weekend at the retreat, all week on the mission or all year at small group are worthy of you going out of your way to give them those precious words, “thank you.”
3. Ask of them. You parent, can be, should be and are the “expert” when it comes to your teen (at least we hope that you’re striving for that deep relationship), however, youth leaders are often pretty darn wise when it comes to knowing teens as a whole.  So, let’s let this tension exist, leaders should become experts in teenagedom and parents can be experts about their teens.  Therefore, we need to learn from one another.  So, ask your son or daughter’s leader about teens, even ask about your own child.  Be mindful that these leaders (young or old) are building trust with your child and need to guard that trust, but I think you’ll find more often than not, they may have insights that will prove very helpful to you understanding teens (and even your own son or daughter) more.  Ultimately in asking of them, you’re relating to them and becoming more of a unified team.

As parents begin to pray for, give to and ask of the current flock of youth leaders, I believe not only with the Lord be glorified, but we’ll see better discipleship take place.  We’ll see lost students (and lost parents) be found as we see the church functioning as Christ instructed.

So parents I end with this… thank you for doing what you do and the efforts you make with your kids.  Your job is often THE MOST thankless job in the world.  I am going to pray for you more faithfully, thank you more frequently and seek your wisdom more often!

Grace,

Brian

Want To Kill Your Sunday School Program?

Before your Christian Education Committee organizes a blog-ban or a book-burning bonfire in my honor (or before you invite me to a celebration bar-b-cue on my behalf) let me explain…

Busy students don’t need more, they often need better.  Sometimes less is more.

Again, this is not a call to kill Sunday School, in fact, it may be that you need to really put some great effort into improving it.  It could be that you actually need to kill your mid-week program in order to offer deeper connection and community through small groups? Or perhaps your small groups are so small they can’t even be measured, maybe it is time to retire these?  Bottom line, as I have examined the Student Ministry landscape, a lot of Youth Leaders are struggling with student-commitment levels, and we may be part of the problem.  Rather than just blaming the likes of parents, clubs, sports, school, facebook, gaming and premature dating, I’d suggest we look to be part of the solution.

One key find in my research is that Youth Ministry programs that concentrate on two of the major three elements are typically finding a greater percentage of student participation than those offering all three.

What are the Majors?

Sunday School, Youth Group (mid-week) and Small Groups seem to be the most common elements that make up a Student Ministry program (so these are the three I call “majors).

In my quick study for this post with 10 youth ministry leaders, I found that 90% who were offering all three wanted to get rid of Sunday School.  The other church does not offer mid-week “youth group.”

“A Dead Horse Can’t Race”

One person (who asked not to be named) said, “I’m under a lot of pressure from people to ‘educate’ our students about Christianity, but the Sunday School model is not working… it’s like trying to get a dead horse to race in the Kentucky Derby.”

I faced a similar situation in my last Youth Pastorate.  We were offering all three majors. However, upon my arrival it was evident that students were very inconsistent in attendance at all three.  Instead of making the ask that everyone (including an overworked youth staff) make the commitment to be at everything, we decided to place our largest emphasis on two elements.  Though it wasn’t the most popular decision, I placed our emphasis on Sunday School and on mid-week small groups (and developing my leadership team to disciple students).

Our Sunday School Program (we called “The Gathering”) had a group discipleship emphasis (essentially it was “church for teens”).  Our small groups were grade/gender specific discipleship groups that had an emphasis on accountability, sharing, praying together and studying the Bible so that we could live out our faith.  Our mid-week program was our “outreach” time where the Christian students could freely bring their unchurched friends so those who have not heard the Gospel could be presented the Good News.

Christian Entertainment Industry

In the years I served at this specific church our small groups grew dramatically (as did our youth staff).  Our Sunday School grew even more.  However, our mid-week program needed to be killed.  We shut it down, it had become a gathering of Christians (the same kids who were at Sunday School and in our small groups). Our students were not inviting non-Christian friends to come and hear the Gospel. I felt we were simply entertaining the masses.  We’d have students say, “it seems like the messages are always the same, it’s always about the cross, we’re bored, we need to go deeper” (keep in mind the purpose of the mid-week program was to present the Gospel to the lost).  Any time a staff member did change up his or her message and went “deep” we were bound to have someone say, “see, this is why I can’t bring my unchurched friend, that message would have been over his head and would have offended him.”

What Would It Look Like?

Dream a little.  What would it look like for you to help students, family and staff by placing an emphasis on two of the majors (you decide which two) and see if you may not be able to still accomplish the major goals of your program?  For the sake of suggestion, here is what I could see happen if you cancelled any one of the majors:

1. Mid-Week Youth Group. Students are busy with sports, clubs, family commitments and homework.  In fact, many students are already involved with para-church youth groups (FCA, Athletes-in-Action, Young Life, Youth For Christ, etc.), what if you supported them and pushed them to be involved with these things as their outreach outlet?  Being free on a weeknight might allow you more contact time, allow you to go to a small group with other adults, or give you valuable time to raise your family.
2. Small Groups. If you are one who struggles to recruit adult leaders getting rid of your small group ministry may free you up to pour into individual students rather than coaching leaders who really aren’t ready to be leading (or free you up for a season to get leaders ready to lead).
3. Sunday School. Not having a Sunday morning traditional Sunday School would often allow students the opportunity to serve in the children’s ministry program, music program, attend service with family, or (if offered) participate in an adult Sunday School class.

Of course there are many other tweaks and possibilities.  I have seen Youth Groups successfully transition to Sunday mornings being the time for student small groups (or even outreach).  I have seen groups make their mid-week Youth Group a time for outreach to be followed by an hour of small group for those who want to go deeper. You need to take into account what will work best for your group, your leaders and the parents of your teens.  The answer may be to simply re-focus each of these elements or even to add something new.

For those who are struggling with the low or inconsistent attendance; to those of you who are contemplating making a “major” change, let me conclude by saying, don’t do this on your own.  Dream, scheme and pray with others about these decisions.  The key is to get better by possibly offering less.

Be free, let’s go kill it!

Grace,

Brian

We all want a break, right?  In fact, a popular advertising campaign used to tell us we all deserved one.  Well, I agree, and I have a radical proposition for you: your entire ministry deserves a break.  Today.  It’s an art I don’t see practiced as much as I think it should: taking an intentional break from your youth ministry.  But I believe the benefits are far-reaching on both personal and corporate levels.

This is really a post for Youth Leaders and their volunteer teams, but I think parents and students would be wise to read and support this wild and crazy philosophy!  Here is my theory: Youth Ministry “Program” as we call it should not be a 52 week program.  Like a school calendar, I believe there needs to be some natural breaks in our programmatic year.  Most Youth Ministries get a Sunday morning off for Easter and maybe one because of a congregational meeting or other schedule conflict. On top of this, an occasional mid-week program is cancelled because of weather, a missions night or some other rare phenomenon.  I challenge you, on top of these few breaks you should take the last 2-3 weeks of the summer (August) off from ALL regular (and even irregular) youth ministry events.  I am not saying “take a vacation,” I am saying, take an intentional youth ministry program break.

Go ahead! Shut off the lights to the Youth Room! Lock the doors to your small group meeting room/house! Cancel two Sunday morning gatherings (aka “Sunday School”) and keep the Youth Program Calendar clear from about August 20 to Labor Day (or some other 12-15 day stretch before you “kick off” your fall programming).  Again, let me reiterate, this is NOT A VACATION.  In fact, if you’re smart, you’ll take your vacation at a different time of the year so that you feel you’re truly getting a break from everything then.  Take note in regard to my above challenge, I didn’t talk about taking a break from relationship: the bottom line, this may be your best time for relationship!  This is about creating space for a number of things to happen.  Here is why I believe you should do this:

1. It Gives Your Team The Rest They Need/Deserve. Many Youth Pastors/Directors have been blessed with a faithful volunteer team.  Giving everyone the last couple weeks of the summer off from everything will give these volunteers the down time they need to rest; perhaps they’ll have a rare-Sunday morning sleep in (because they miss Sunday school, they may just come to the later service, if at all)?  The Wednesday night break may give that husband and wife duo an added date-night or the mommy-volunteer the opportunity to tuck her younger kids in on an evening when she would typically be serving the teen kids of other parents.  These little blessings go a long way in the life of a volunteer leader.
2. It Creates A Need. Food, clothing, shelter… for that matter, air.  These are the things that we all take for granted. Admittedly, these things are far more important than a Youth Group night, however we don’t often recognize something until it goes missing.  Taking a two to three week break from Youth Ministry program will actually create the want/desire/need again.  Students, staff and even chauffeur/parents will come back with great anticipation when you kick-off your fall programming because they will have missed what went missing, which leads to the last point…
3. It Tills the Soil For Change. I believe that youth ministry programming needs to constantly be evolving.  Stagnancy is toxic.  Recently, in Hawaii, we were advised to not swim in a fresh-water stream that led to the ocean because of a parasite that lives in all of these streams; the cause–stagnant water.  Stagnancy (non-change, no current, etc.) happens in ministry as well.  It is really easy to say (and believe) that you (the Youth Leader) want to see change take place in your program, it is another thing to make change happen (for some reason the church really doesn’t like change)–side note to the church: read Acts!!! change happened.  I believe the Youth Leader might find that this two to three week break gives him/her the time to think through creative ways to make the changes that are necessary.  Kicking off the new program year gives the opportunity to implement change (perhaps as simple as adding/subtracting 15 minutes or as complex as changing the night and times completely).  The break gives the Leader opportunity to build individual buy-in and ownership with students, parents and/or leaders while enjoying a cup of Coffee or a lunch together.  Keeping things fresh in ministry breeds fresh soil for seeds to be planted and new life to begin.

Over ALL of this is a spiritual emphasis.  This (break) can easily be justified as Biblical.  May a break from the norm draw us all in to a place of prayer, deeper study, soul searching and renew a vigor for the ministry that Jesus has called us to!

If a break is not what you have on your calendar already, it may be too late to try this year, but then again, maybe this was exactly the encouragement you needed to implement what you feel you need? Understand that proper communication is needed in order to have even a “break” be successful.  You will most likely hear some concerns (some might call them “complaints”), or even prayer requests (Lord, will Pastor Joe please come to the realization that he made the mistake of canceling something my kids need).  But, I think in time, everyone will see how much this little break is a blessing for the staff, a need-creator and an excellent opportunity to get creative and implement some needed change.

Again, I’d be happy to converse with anyone who would like to go deeper on this subject or seek some advice on how to make a it a great break… Facebook (search: Brian Aaby) or email me brian[at]youthmark[dot]com.

So I say, take a break! Amen?

Grace,

Brian